Dick Sinclair (my father) was known as quite a joke teller. He often seemed to get more enjoyment out of their telling than his audience did in the listening - and that was the reason everyone so much enjoyed listening to his "groaners", as they came to be known in the family. He inflicted some pretty bad jokes on folks over the years and here is a selection of some they were forced to suffer through. These were found in a file that he created sometime around 1979. There are a lot more of these in the file that haven't been transcribed yet but they will be put online as they become available . . . well, who am I kidding, they'll get here when I get around to it! Don't say I didn't warn you about these - proceed at your own risk.

  Sinclair Groan-O-Meter

    Jokes have been rated using the patented Sinclair "Groan-O-Meter":

  • 1 smiley = a real groaner
  • 4 smileys = about as good as his material got
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The Priest and The Bishop

      This priest lived in the Southwest in a small town near the Grand Canyon. Somewhat to his chagrin, the Bishop transferred him to an inner city parish in Chicago. The priest owned a beautiful Palomino horse of which he was fond but he knew he couldn't take the horse to Chicago with him. So he gave it to one of his favorite parishioners, Zeke. Zeke was elated. He jumped on the horse to take a ride. He hollered "giddap" but the horse wouldn't move. He slapped the reins up and down and kicked the horse with his heels. The horse wouldn't budge. Finally the priest said, "Zeke, this is an especially trained horse. To get him to run, you say 'Jesus Christ'. To get him to stop, you say 'Amen'."

      Zeke leaned over and whispered "Jesus Christ" into the horse's ear. The horse took off like a shot with Zeke barely managing to hang on. It wasn't long before horse and rider were approaching the edge of the Grand Canyon with reckless speed. Zeke, sensing peril, but not remembering the word the priest had given him to stop the horse, was hollering "whoa," "stop," "halt" and everything else that came into his mind. Finally, just before they got to the edge of the precipice, Zeke remembered the signal and he hollered out in a loud voice "Amen". The horse came to a dead stop right at the edge of the Grand Canyon. Zeke looked down into the yawning chasm and wiping his forehead cried out in relief . . . "Jesus Christ."


The Priest and The Bishop, Pt. II

      This priest is sent to a parish in Alaska. After he is there for about a year, the Bishop decides to visit him to see how he is getting along. The Bishop is from the lower 49. "How do you like it up here?" asks the Bishop.

      The priest replies, "Well, if it weren't for my rosary and two martinis a day, I couldn't hack it. Speaking of which, would you like one, Bishop?" The Bishop replies, "Sounds like a good idea." The priest turns his head towards the kitchen and calls out, "Hey Rosary, fix the Bishop a martini."


Here, let me take those

      A tornado destroyed a farmers house, barn and outbuildings. He went to the bank to borrow some money to rebuild. The bank turned him down because of insufficient collateral. A neighbor friend who was handy at rebuilding volunteered to help the farmer rebuild. After the rebuilding was finished the farmer, Joshua, turned to his neighbor friend, Hiram, and he said "Hiram, what can I do to repay you? I have no money but anything you see around my farm that you can use, it's yours." Hiram allowed as how he wasn't expecting anything in return for his help.

      "But," said Joshua, "there must be something around here you can use at your farm. " Hiram looked around and allowed as how his wife was in need of a washtub and maybe he'd take the washtub that was lying in the orchard. Joshua said, "Fine, what else?" Hiram said "Well, there's an old anvil right next to the washtub that maybe I could use." Joshua said, "Great, what else?" Hiram said "Well, I see you got rather a skinny pig that I might take home and fatten up." Joshua said, "It's yours and I'm going to add to the pig a couple of chickens." So Hiram put the washtub on his head, the porker under one arm, the anvil under the other, grabbed a chicken in each hand and started home.

      As he was walking home he came upon a young girl who said she was looking for Reverend Jones' place. Hiram told her to follow him because he was going right by Reverend Jones' place. The girl fell in behind him but stayed several paces to the rear. Finally, as it was getting dark, Hiram said to her, "Young lady, it's getting dark so I think you ought to cone up here and walk alongside me so you don't get lost." She replied, "I would, but I'm afraid you'd rape me." Hiram said, "Young lady, look at what I'm carrying. How in Heaven's sake could I rape you with such a burden?" She said, "Well, you could put the pig down, then put the washtub over the pig, put the anvil on top of the washtub, and I could hold the two chickens!"


Sam Fram's Disco

      Henry and Sam Fram were close brothers. But Henry was a straight arrow while Sam was morally bankrupt. Henry died and went to heaven. There he was invested with a halo, a pair of wings and a harp. Sam died and went to hell. There, with the permission of the Devil, Sam opened up a dining and dancing emporium. It became a real swinging place.

      In the meantime Henry is growing lonely for Sam. He says to St. Peter: "May I have permission to go to Hell and see my brother?" St. Peter replied: "Yes, you may go to Hell but be sure that you don't lose your halo, your wings or your harp." So Henry goes to visit Sam in Hell. When he returns to heaven, St. Peter notices that Henry is missing his harp.

      "Henry," St. Peter says, "where is your harp?"

      To which Henry replies in song: "I left my harp in Sam Fram's disco."


Screwed Again

      This farmer, Charlie Nagle, had a brown cow and a white cow. It came breeding time for the two cows, so Charlie brought in a bull from a neighbor a few miles away. Just as Charlie and his son were taking the bull out to the barn where the cows were, Reverend Pike and his wife drove up. Charlie, of course, invited the Pikes into his farm home and told the son to take the bull out to the barn to take care of the cows. After Charlie and the Pikes got into the house Charlie had his wife fix some ice cream and cookies.

      The Nagles and the Pikes were sitting in the living room eating ice cream and cookies when the son burst in and being young, impressionable and indiscreet he shouts out "Hey, Dad, the bull screwed the white cow." His father became flustered at this but he did manage to get his son out into the kitchen. There he said to the son "Now, son, don't come bursting into the living room again using that kind of language. You should say that the bull surprised the brown cow or the white cow, as the case may be." "I understand," said the son and he bounds out of the house and back to the barn.

      Pretty soon he comes bursting back into the house flailing his arms up and down, totally speechless. Finally the father, Charlie, says, "Did the bull surprise the brown cow?" The son jumps up and down. "He sure did, Dad," the son shouted. "He screwed the white cow again."


The Poiple Suit

      Sam and Irving Feinglass ran a clothing store called the S and I Shoppe for Men. They were big on suits and every six months they would clear the inventory with a sale. It comes time for a sale. Sam say to Irving, "Oiving, should we bring the poiple suit out again?" This was a purple suit that Sam and Irving had been putting on sale for the last six years without success. "Sam," says Irving , "let's try it vun more time." So the purple suit goes on the sale rack -- 40% off. It comes to the last day of the sale but the purple suit is still unsold. Then about noon a blind man, preceded by a seeing eye dog, walks into the store to buy a suit. Sam looks at Irving and Irving looks at Sam and they both look at the purple suit. Sam says to Irving, "Are you tinking vot I'm tinking?" To which Irving replies, "Yeah, I tink I'm tinking vot you're tinking." Irving grabs the purple suit off the rack and puts the coat on the blind man. Sam says, "I tink I'll go to lunch now, Oiving. You can take care of this customer."

      So Sam waltzes out of the store. He comes back 45 minutes later from the deli where he had a sandwich and finds the store deserted. He hollers out "Oiving, vare are you?" Sam runs through the store looking for Irving, but can't find him. Finally Sam looks behind the shirt counter and there he sees Irving lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Irving's hair is disheveled, his glasses are broken, and his suit is all chewed up. "Oiving," says Sam, "Vas it the blind guy?" "No," says Irving. "it vas not the blind man. It vas that gud-damned seeink eye dog."


Drop Dead

      These same two fellows used to play a lot of gin rummy with Izzie Stein and Moe Berger when the four of them spent the winter months at Miami Beach. The four would put a card table right on the beach in the sun and play all afternoon . They played for high stakes, too. One afternoon Moe loses heavily - he is down $1,000 when the game ends. Just as Moe is fishing a bill out of his wallet he drops over dead. A sudden, massive heart attack. After grabbing the bill out of Moe's hand, the other three look at each other in grief and consternation. "Whose goink to tell Becky?" Sam sobs, and adds, "You know one of us has got to do it." No one volunteers. No one wants the job. Finally it is decided to draw straws. Whoever draws the shortest straw has to tell Becky the horrible news about Moe.

      Sam loses. He walks across the sand to the apartment at the edge of the beach where Becky should be. His heart is heavy and he worries how to break the news. He finds Becky's apartment and knocks on the door. Becky opens it. Sam says, "Becky, your husband Moe just lost a thousand dollars paying gin rummy."

      "Ei yi yi," Becky cries out, "That no-goodnik gambler! He should drop dead."

      Sam says: "He did."


Pig in a Poke

      This drummer from the big city was driving in the country when he came upon a pig in the middle of the road. The pig wouldn't move to the right or left. The drummer had to stop the car or he would have run over the animal. He got out but couldn't persuade the pig to move one way or the other so he could drive on. The pig just stood there. Finally in desperation, he picked the pig up and put it in the front seat on the passenger side. He started up the car with the intention of stopping at the next gas station to find out what to do with what appeared to him to be a strange animal. He arrived at the gasoline station where he inquired about the ownership of the pig.

      The attendant didn't know who owned the pig. "Well," said our friend, "what am I supposed to do with it?" The gasoline station attendant, somewhat out of whimsy, replied "Why don't you take it to the zoo?" Our friend nodded his head in thanks and drove off.

      About a week later our friend found himself in the same area and decided to stop by the same gasoline station. The pig was still sitting in the front seat. The attendant spotted the pig and he said to our friend "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo."

      "Well, I did," said our friend, "and we had so much fun I decided to take him to the theatre tonight!"


Cajun Shrimp

      Before you read this next story you should understand that it is a Cajun story told by Justin Wilson. It needs to be told with a Cajun dialect. I have tried to simulate a Cajun dialect in this rendition but I doubt if it comes through.

      Emile and Celestin live in the bayou country of Louisiana just south of Calugahatchie. Those got three or two boy in thare family. Wan is about 6'6", another is about 6'5" and then thare is little Beauregard who is only about four feet seven or six. He a tiny fella.

       Emile and Celestin decide to take little Beauregard to a doctor in Calugahatchie. They find a chiropractor thare and this fella says, we can commence fixinq up this little guy right away. So the chiropractor slaps little Beauregard on a table and he sez to Emile, "You pull on one arm, Celestin you pull on the other, and you two other boys can pull on his legs." Sos they all pulled.

      When the chiropractor tole them how much they owed for the session he said to Emile, "Now, you don't have to drive in every week for this kind of a treatment. You and your wife and yer two boys can do it at home. That'll save you lotta time and money." Ok ses Emile and they drive off.

      About six month later Emile is in Calugahatchie to get some salt pork, some terbaccer, and some shells for his gun. He sees the chiropractor and the chiropractor sees Emile. "Well,"says the chiropractor "Have you been doing everthin I tol you for little Beauregard? Have you bin stretching him out ever week?" "Sure have," ses Emile.

      "And how much has he growed, Emile?" asks the chiropractor.

      "Well," ses Emile, "He han't grown a damn inch, Doc, but already he confess to fifty crime!"


Scrreeeeeecchh

      Some big company built a manufacturing plant in a small community that was located in the central part of Pleasant Valley Township. A fire broke out in this plant but it only simmered and smoked. It never really blazed. The general manger tried any number of ways to control the fire but nothing seemed to work.

      Finally a foreman who had lived there all his life suggested to the general manager that the Pleasant Valley Township Volunteer Fire Department be called. The general manager was desperate. He had offered a reward of $10,000 for anyone who could totally put out this fire. He was willing to try anything and so he called in the Pleasant Valley Township Volunteer Fire Department.

      No sooner had he called it seemed than the fire truck from the Volunteer Fire Department came streaking down the road. It was traveling sixty miles an hour. It turned into the plant property and didn't even slow down. At sixty miles an hour it crashed right into the brand new plant. There was a lot of hollering arid shouting coming from the inside. And some moaning. Finally, one by one the members of the Pleasant Valley Township Volunteer Fire Department staggered dazedly out of the building. Some were coughing. Others were bruised. One was even crawling on his hands and knees. But the fire was out!

      "By George," said the general manager to the captain of the volunteer group, "when you get your boys back on their feet and out of the hospital, we're going to have a big reward celebration."

      In a week or so all the members of the Pleasant Valley Township Volunteer Fire Department were either out of the hospital or otherwise over their injuries. The general manager arranged for a celebration at the plant. On the day of the celebration the general manager during the festivities turned to the captain of the volunteer fire department and handed over a check for $20,000. (The reward had been doubled.) "Well, now,"said the general manager, "What do you plan to do with all the money?'

      "Waal," says the captain, "I reckon the first thing we'll do is get those doggone brakes fixed."


    If you enjoyed this selection of jokes and would like to suffer through some golf humor, try a random golf joke from the River Cup Web Site, also maintained by Paul Sinclair - carrying on my father's tradition of subjecting folks to some pretty lame humor!

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