1997 Player Profiles
Willow Oaks Country Club
Chuck Ditsler
Chuck has been suffering under the glare of his 0-4 River Cup match play record and vows to debagelize himself this year. "I've been practicing non-stop, sun up to sun down, for 12 months straight since last year's event," says Ditsler. Despite all the practice, Ditsler's handicap hasn't changed. But it's given his wife the chance to get better acquainted with the Ditsler family milkman.
Eddie Eddins
Eddie's golf game has suffered of late. Speculation has it that it may be due to his overwhelming responsibilities as Treasurer of the 1998 River Cup Tour of Scotland. When questioned, Eddins, looking resplendent in a gray pin stripe hand tailored suit as he emerged from his new Lexus, replied, "That has nothing to do with my recent poor play. I've had a lot on my plate recently, such as my new chateau in Bermuda, the 10,000 square foot nursery that Julie and I added to our home, and my recently expanded stock portfolio." When asked about the funds for the Scotland trip, Eddins snapped, "The funds are in good hands and that's all you need to know. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a session with my personal trainer scheduled."
Doug Bryant
Doug was added to the squad this year after two years on injured reserve. Captain Langdon Moss was asked if he had added the fiery Bryant to his squad to give them an emotional lift. "Not really." Moss stated. "River Cup rules state that anyone hosting the previous year's annual party must be invited to play. He snuck in on that infrequently used rule." When asked if there was anything positive he could offer regarding Doug, Moss responded, "He does throw a good party!"
Paul Sinclair
Upon hearing the news that media mogul Ted Turner had donated one billion dollars to the United Nations, Sinclair, self proclaimed "River Cup Commissioner for Life," embarked on a new mission. "Henceforth, this event is now 'The Rivers Cup,' encompassing all of the rivers of the world," Sinclair recently proclaimed. "I envision a perpetual world tour featuring a select group of River Cuppers challenging the best of the world in an effort to promote world peace, harmony, and worldwide economic prosperity. Our grant proposal is currently awaiting action by the Secretary General. Our theme for this visionary tour: "We Par The World!"
Dennis Ryan
Dennis is a favorite among club manufacturers for his annual equipment upgrades. Dennis has gone through 7 sets of irons, 5 sets of woods, 12 putters, and 16 changes of clothes in the past season. His handicap has not varied throughout the changes. "Hey, it may not make a difference in the way I play,"says Dennis. "But at least I don't have to worry about cleaning my clubs - I just throw them away and get a new set when they get dirty."
Paul Strauss
After two wins in his rookie outing in the River Cup in 1995, Strauss took it on the chin last year compliments of CCV's steady Jeff Hudgins. Strauss vows a return to his winning ways this year. "I think Moss has it in for me saddling me with Chuck Ditsler in fourball," says Strauss. "But I'm just going into the fourball matches figuring I'll have to do it all myself. I just hope Chuck doesn't get in my way."
Marty Donlan
Marty claims that while criticism surrounding his pace of play is unfounded, he has picked up the pace recently. "If speed is the issue, I'll just continue to give myself any putt within fifteen feet," Donlan says. Not surprisingly, Donlan's handicap has fallen dramatically this season.
Scott Warren
Scott, the once and future WOCC President, was asked about the changes to the WOCC course. "We redid all of the back nine greens, so now they are completely different from the front," Warren explained. When asked if this would cause any problems for the players, Warren responded, "It sure should for the CCV players - that was our goal. With Mike Augst holding out for a larger share of the gate, WOCC has NO putters anyway."
Tom McCandlish
McCandlish comes into this year's matches brandishing a new set of 2 degrees upright Zevo irons. "I've only had the chance to get in a couple of nine-hole rounds with them," complained Tom during a recent match. "So I haven't figured out my yardages with them yet." He proceeded to confirm the difficulty by screaming an 8-iron 35 yards past the green on the 165 yard par-3 7th hole at Willow Oaks. "Hmmm. I guess that's a wedge," surmised Tom.
Kent Puryear
Kent reports that he is striking the ball extremely well at present, but he cannot seem to score on the golf course. Upon hearing this, Tom McCandlish replied, "Kent is not the brightest guy around, is he? Hey, Kent - get a clue. You're a bachelor - you're never gonna score on a golf course. The women are at the bars!"
Langdon Moss
Langdon, the only Willow Oaks' Captain in modern River Cup history, seems unperturbed by the disastrous showing of last year's squad. "Not at all," says Moss. "We've worked hard during the off-season and we plan to take CCV one match at a time. My guys give me 110%. Those CCV players put their pants on one leg at a time, just like us. Success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration." When asked if he always speaks in clichés, Moss replied, "I'm not sure what you mean. But just remember, it ain't over 'til Correll sings."
Richard Locke
Richard is one of several River Cup rookies in this year's event. He is the most intense golfer at Willow Oaks, regularly scheduling 36 hole days on weekends. Unfortunately, Richard normally is only able to squeeze in one 18 hole round on workdays. In the past week, Richard's handicap started out at 2, went up to 28, and is back down to its current 13 for River Cup '97.
Doug Urquhart
Doug complained loudly about his pairing against John Gentry in last year's singles matches. "It was downright dull watching Gentry out there," says Urquhart. "Every hole - 250 down the middle, on in regulation, two putt for par. I hate guys that play that way. There's just never any excitement." Urquhart's game is clearly more exciting, as described by Gentry after his win: "OB right, OB left, water, trap, three putt. Boy, it was downright fun watching that exposition of golf today!"
Chip Bliley
When asked about the football fortunes of his beloved Notre Dame, Bliley, having breakfast at Legend's Brewery exclaimed, "Hey! Football season is over! Let's play some golf." According to sources, Bliley has replaced the picture of Irish coach Bob Davie over his mantel with a portrait of Frank Beamer.
Brad Smallwood
Brad, who probably puts in more practice time than the combined CCV-WOCC teams, feels his game is in fine form. "I played last Sunday and finished three over," offers Smallwood. When asked to elaborate, Smallwood concluded by saying, "Three over: one over the clubhouse, one over the pool and one way out over the James."
Chuck Byrd
The author of last year's controversial handicapping system, dubbed "Byrd's Folly," Chuck seems oblivious to the criticism. In fact, he is hard at work on a revised handicap system for 1997. Says Chuck, "In an attempt to have an equitable competition in 1997, I am proposing that CCV players play with wiffle balls, while WOCC players will tee off from the Senior's Tees." Captains Moss and Nelson have requested a psychiatric analysis on Byrd.
Joby Klotz
Despite the fervent pleas of the Willow Oaks side, Captain Moss continues to select Joby for his squad. "Many people don't give Joby credit but he actually has a beautiful short game," offers Moss. "Unfortunately, it is off the tee."
Stanley Ford
Stanley is delighted to be chosen once again for the Willow Oaks' side. "This remains a dream come true for me," gushed Ford. "To have the opportunity to play with these great players is unbelievable." When asked if his being the oldest participant in The River Cup places him at a disadvantage, Ford thought for a moment and then stated, "There are only three disadvantages to being older. The first is a lack of stamina; the second is a loss of memory; and I forget the third."