1996 River Cup

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CCV Edges Willow Oaks in
River Cup VIII Exhibition Matches

CCV Captain Jim Nelson       In a series of exhibition matches staged in an effort to determine an appropriate handicap formula for future River Cup events, the Country Club of Virginia edged a disinterested Willow Oaks team by the score of 115-53. CCV Captain James Nelson claimed the victory was as important as any other matches in the River Cup’s long history. “A win is a win is a win,” said Nelson after the matches. “The fact that Handicap Committee Chairman Chuck Byrd screwed up the handicaps for this year’s matches doesn’t take any luster off this win for us.”

Willow Oaks Captain Langdon Moss       Long-time Willow Oaks Captain J. Langdon Moss termed the matches “meaningless.” “We were happy to show up for the scrimmage to see how the new handicap system would work,” said Moss. “But we really weren’t too concerned about the outcome since Byrd’s bizarre handicap system was such a sham to begin with anyway.”

       Byrd, a Willow Oaks team member, spent many months developing a method of allocating handicap strokes for the matches. He ignored the time honored handicap system of the United States Golf Association and Royal & Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews in hopes of making a name for himself in the annals of the game.

       “I decided arbitrarily to use what I call the ‘Byrd Formula’ for this year’s matches,” explained Byrd. “Every match within 2 handicap strokes was played even. In all other matches, the lower handicapped player had 2 strokes added to his handicap. The system has absolutely no merit to it whatsoever. But what the hell, it’s simple and it seemed like a good idea at the time.” Byrd has filed for a patent on the “Byrd Formula”, but thus far there has been little interest shown in the already discredited system.

       After the matches, Byrd reviewed cards from all matches in an effort to determine whether the “Byrd Formula” made any difference in the overall results. The review showed that had the matches been played according to USGA and R&A handicap rules, there would have been little difference in the outcome.

       Using Byrd’s review as ammunition, Nelson appealed the “exhibition” nature of the matches to the River Cup Executive Committee. The Committee decided that notwithstanding the experimental nature of the matches CCV’s victory will appear without asterisk in future River Cup publications. Willow Oaks has won four River Cup matches, CCV three, with one tie in the series.

The Foundry Golf Club is
Worthy Addition to the River Cup Rota

       With Willow Oaks Country Club undergoing renovation of its back nine greens, this year’s Willow Oaks “home round” of singles matches was staged at the meticulously groomed Foundry Golf Club. Set amidst Powhatan County’s horse country, The Foundry has quickly earned a reputation as one of the finest courses in the Southeastern United States. Built in 1990 and opened for play in 1992, the course has already reached maturity. Its bentgrass greens are among the truest in the area and the Vamont bermuda fairways are painstakingly maintained.

       Designed as a collaborative effort of J. K. Timmons, the Club’s founder and President, and architect R. F. “Buddy” Loving, Jr., the course was laid out with little intrusion to the gently rolling countryside terrain. The only evidence of earth moving is along the fairway of the par-4 14th hole, where Scottish-like berms were created along the fairway to buffer the course from a nearby country road.

       The course is a perfect venue for match play, with opportunities for decision making off the tee at numerous difficult dogleg par-4’s. The doglegs reward a bold tee shot played to cut off the distance, but severely punish a poor swing.

       The par 5 holes are relatively short, with the exception of #8 which plays at 590 yards from the tips. But the layout of the four long holes makes them particularly intriguing for match play. Placement of the second shot at the front nine par-5’s at 2 and 8 is crucial and can make the golfer’s third shot to their well protected greens a difficult proposition - or a realistic birdie opportunity. The back nine 5-pars at 10 and 16 are reachable in 2 with a well placed tee ball, making for interesting tactical decisions at critical stages in the match.

       The 172 yard par-3 7th hole is fraught with the possibility of calamity. Playing from an elevated tee to a peninsula green, club selection is absolutely critical. Too little club and the golfer is wet; too much club and he faces a difficult downhill putt across a huge green sloping from back to front.

       This year’s River Cup matches will long be recalled for the opportunity to challenge The Foundry, if not for the golf that was inflicted upon this quiet gem of a course.

Click here for view of Foundry Score Card

Match Highlights in Singles and Fourball Play

       Taking advantage of Willow Oaks’ lack of a home course and a handicap windfall bestowed on them by Handicap Chairman Chuck Byrd, the CCV side in this year’s rendering of the River Cup swept Willow Oaks in both fourball and singles play. In fourball play on Friday at CCV’s Tuckahoe Creek Course, CCV got off to a good start in warm, Indian Summer weather with a 42-30 win. In Sunday’s singles matches at The Foundry, CCV came up with its best outing in years of River Cup competition. After the dust settled and excuses were made, the River Cup scoreboard below the tower at the 18th green announced a convincing 73- 23 win for CCV in singles play. CCV won the overall matches by the convincing score of 115-53.

       When asked for an explanation of his teammates’ poor performance this year, Willow Oaks’ team member Tom McCandlish complained about the handicapping for the matches. “That son of a bitch turncoat Byrd screwed all of his teammates with that lamebrain ‘Byrd’s folly’,” claimed McCandlish. “And I got the worst of the deal.”

       McCandlish lost his singles match at The Foundry 6-0 to an unusually steady Mark Sweeney. McCandlish shot a tepid 90 (net 80) to Sweeney’s 80 (net 69), but claimed the result would have been different if USGA handicap rules had been used. “Sure, I would have been giving up a stroke to Mark under USGA rules instead of playing him even under the Byrd formula,” said McCandlish. “But my swing is just not comfortable under non-USGA handicaps.”

       Willow Oaks’ Dennis Ryan echoed McCandlish’s sentiments. Ryan’s 83 (net 75) was not enough to hold off a torrid Ted “Pajama” Chandler. Pajama’s 73 (net 69) took medal honors in this year’s singles event and secured a 6-0 shellacking of Ryan. “I know when you look at the card the extra two strokes I should have had don’t make a difference,” whined Ryan. “But it’s a ‘match dynamics’ thing - I would have played a lot better if I had been only 4 holes down going into 18 instead of 5 holes down.”

       Chandler rolled in a 25 foot birdie putt on the 18th hole in front of a large gathering of reporters and immediately thrust a defiant finger in their general direction shouting “I’m number one - and don’t you forget it, you miserable sniveling pencil pushing geeks.” Chandler has been perplexed for years at the media’s negative portrayal of him in press reports of his matches.

       Doug Westmoreland and Wes Morck, who have likewise had numerous run-ins with the media, both gloated after wins in singles play. Their wins ended their combined winless record of 0-7 in singles. Morck eked out a close 6-0 victory over Willow Oaks’ Stanley Ford. Morck, one of the River Cup’s more superstitious competitors, attributed his win to his lucky green polyester pants, which he was able to retrieve from a Salvation Army sale bin. “I’ve never lost a match in these pants,” claimed Morck. “You ain’t gonna see me out of these pants again!”

       Westmoreland attributed his victory to his opponent, Brad Smallwood. “I played pretty well today,” said Westmoreland. “But Brad’s 99 didn’t hurt the cause. The 9 he took on our opening hole really got me off to a good start. I’m ordering him some flowers as soon as I get home.” Smallwood’s net 86 is the highest net outing in recent River Cup memory.

       Mercurial River Cup rookie Blake Dennis put on the most painful show of the day on Sunday. Pitted against long-in-the-tooth Willow Oaks’ veteran Paul Sinclair, Dennis had three provisional balls in the first nine holes. Dennis nonetheless managed to win the nine with a bogey 4 on the par-3 9th when Sinclair chili- dipped a chip shot from off the green and took 5. Dennis then went on to shank 2 balls in the space of three holes before losing his composure entirely. After spewing forth a string of expletives, most of which concerned Sinclair’s family lineage, rules officials fined Dennis for unsportsmanlike conduct. After his second shank of the afternoon on the 13th hole, Dennis repeatedly bludgeoned himself by beating his head against a tree and walked around the rest of the afternoon suffering the after effects of the concussive episode. Sinclair won the match 4-2.

       In other singles matches of note, Chuck Ditsler again refused to perform for Willow Oaks, losing to Robert Mitchell III, the fastest player on the River Cup tour. Ditsler’s miserable 0-4 record in River Cup play ties him with John Lees for the worst record in history. Lees has mercifully withdrawn from competition. Ditsler was tightlipped about his future River Cup plans after the match.

       CCV’s John Gentry walked over Willow Oaks’ Doug Urquhart. Gentry warmed up for his match with two days of grueling golf in CCV’s “Wolf Fest” tournament, a satellite event used by CCV to develop new talent for its elite River Cup squad. Gentry was sent down to the satellite tour after losing two matches in last year’s River Cup. Gentry played well enough in the event to earn a berth in Sunday’s singles matches at The Foundry. “I’m just glad to be back in ‘The Show,’ ” said Gentry after posting a credible 77 against Urquhart’s 87 for a 6-0 win.

       Rob Leitch swept a hapless Chip Bliley 6-0. Bliley, a former MVP returning to the River Cup after a year’s holdout in an appearance fee dispute, blamed the loss on Notre Dame football coach Lou Holtz. “Lou has me so upset after the loss to Air Force last week I just can’t think straight,” said Bliley, a Notre Dame alumnus. Leitch attributed his win to Bliley’s poor play. “I don’t know if he can think straight or not, but he sure can’t hit his irons straight.”

       Marty “Pokey” Donlan disappointed the galleries following his match with CCV’s George “Ear” Moorman. One spectator was upset when the match ended shortly after daylight Sunday, only 7 hours after teeing off. “I was hoping for another two-day marathon from Donlan and packed my backpack and tent accordingly,” said the disgruntled spectator. “If Donlan is going to play these wimpy 7 hour rounds, I’m not coming back next year.” Donlan halved his match with Moorman.

       In Friday’s fourball play, Keith Dull made his maiden River Cup outing with partner Bill Cramme. The CCV duo quickly lost the front nine 5 down, but stormed back on the strength of Dull’s back nine 39 to extend the match to the 18th hole, where opponent Marty Donlan matched Dull’s par to secure a 6-3 win for the Donlan-Sinclair team. “I don’t remember much about how Marty or Paul played,” said Dull after walking off the 18th green. “All I remember is they were yapping all afternoon long -most of the time during my backswing.”

       Langdon Moss and Kent Puryear prevailed in their match against Cliff Culley with a 6-3 win. Rob Leitch also played in the foursome, allegedly as Culley’s partner. Culley was bitter about the teaming after the matches. “No wonder I can’t win any damn matches - look at what Nelson saddles me with every year,’ complained Culley.

       In a minor upset, George “Ear” Moorman and longtime sidekick Doug Westmoreland beat Willow Oaks’ Eddie Eddins and Doug Urquhart 6-3. Urquhart had a successful River Cup outing in ‘95 as a last minute substitute for an injured Eddins, but put on a desultory showing when paired with his boss in this year’s matches. “I am afraid I may be looking for work after this sorry performance,” a dejected Urquhart wailed after the match.

       Ted “Pajama” Chandler and Blake Dennis had a 9-0 shutout win over match tough River Cup veterans Scott Warren and Tom McCandlish. After the match Warren and McCandlish both groused loudly about the handicapping. “I thought Byrd was my friend,” moaned Warren. “I guess I know better now.” Warren failed to match his record par-72 round from last year’s singles matches, shooting a mediocre 84. McCandlish’s bloated 89 played a major role in the surprising rout.

CCV's Jeff Hudgins Establishes 36-hole Scoring record

       CCV’s Jeff Hudgins set a River Cup 36-hole scoring record with rounds of 73 at CCV’s Tuckahoe Creek Course and 76 at The Foundry. His 149 for the weekend bests Pajama Chandler’s two-day score of 150, also posted in this year’s rounds.

       Hudgins and partner Robert Mitchell ganged up on Willow Oaks’ Paul Strauss and Dennis Ryan for a 6-3 fourball win. With Mitchell’s 76 to back up Hudgins’ 73, the team posted a bestball 70 to easily beat Strauss and Ryan’s bestball 74.

       Speaking to the press after his record rounds, Hudgins basked in the spotlight. “I think I proved that my MVP honor in last year’s matches was no fluke, despite what you read in the press. I feel confident that this was another MVP performance and I am looking forward to the award ceremony.”

       Strauss seemed uncomfortable paired in fourball with Dennis “Double Clutch” Ryan. “That blasted half-swing hitch in Ryan’s backswing throws off my rhythm,” explained Strauss. “But what really screwed me up was the triple clutches he throws at you every once in awhile - I fell over three times waiting to walk during his swing.”

River Cup Tour of Scotland Still in Planning Stages

       River Cup Scotland Tour organizers confirmed that the long awaited trip to Scotland for a series of international matches is still in the offing. Television rights for the matches have been awarded to Rupert Murdoch’s Fox TV. Murdoch announced the arrangement at a packed house press conference in New York. “We stole the NFL, we stole the World Series, and now we’ve stolen the River Cup. This is the crown jewel of Fox TV’s stable of sports properties!” exulted Murdoch.

       Murdoch is currently in negotiation with River Cup player Will Scott to serve as tower announcer on the 18th green at the West Links of North Berwick for the Scotland matches. Scott, who has been left off the River Cup touring squad, is well-known for his peculiar insights on the game and his on-camera presence.

       Current plans call for a 10 day playing tour in early July. Courses to be played include St. Andrews Old and New, Cruden Bay, Carnoustie, Royal Dornoch, Gullane #1 and #2, Muirfield, and the East Links and West Links at North Berwick.

       If arrangements can be worked out, the tour will conclude with a combined River Cup team of CCV and Willow Oaks players against a team of Scottish players from Tantallon Golf Club, North Berwick Golf Club, and Bass Rock Golf Club. The three clubs share playing privileges at the West Links course of North Berwick and will be Captained by Tantallon Golf Club member and River Cup Commissioner (UK) Douglas Seaton.

Lost Ball Controversy Erupts in Eddins-Culley Match

       Controversy erupted at The Foundry Golf Club Sunday when Eddie Eddins refused to accept his 4-2 loss to Cliff Culley and accused his opponent of gamesmanship. Eddins and Culley were on the fourth hole of their match when the tranquil setting of the day was destroyed. Eddins not unexpectedly pushed his tee ball into a lateral hazard skirting the right side of the fairway. Unwisely attempting to play from the hazard, he barely dislodged his ball only to lose it in thick rough several yards in front of him.

       After the hole concluded, an argument ensued when Doug Westmoreland accused Eddins of subsequently taking an illegal drop from the hazard. Eddins countered by claiming that Culley, who appeared confused throughout the day, had reported his own score incorrectly on the hole causing him to pick up his ball when he had a 4-foot putt remaining to halve the hole. According to Eddins, Culley should therefore have lost the hole.

       “If I win that hole, I halve the 18,” griped Eddins, spotted after the matches pounding back Zimas at Buddy's, a popular River Cup watering hole. “There is no way I should lose that hole. I demand a replay. I'll play it anytime, anywhere…just gimme a shot!”

       When reminded that Willow Oaks had been trounced 115-53 and that an extra point would make no noticeable difference in the outcome, Eddins replied, "Get serious - you think I care about the team? I just don't want to be known as ‘that guy that lost to Culley’ in future news reports.”

       Reminded that Culley ultimately conceded the halving putt after realizing his mistake and that with a half Eddins lost the match anyway, Eddins meekly responded, “Who sent you? The logic police?”

       Culley, reached for comment at his posh West End estate, replied icily, “Frankly, I don't give a damn. Eddins pulled a moorman on me on the last hole to steal the back nine. Eddins can snivel all he wants, but the books are closed on that match.” [Editors note: “moorman: n., unexpected discovery of a ball presumed lost on a golf course.”]

       The River Cup News contacted J. K. Timmons, President of the Foundry, about Eddins’ desire to stage a one-hole shootout for the match. Timmons left little doubt about the chances. “I'd sooner have bamboo shoots stuck in my eye sockets then let those two back on the course. Dennis Ryan has got some serious explaining to do letting them on my course in the first place. I haven't received this much flack from the membership since I let Bob Raymond join the Club.”

River Cup Hall of Fame Inducts Worthy Twosome

       Marty “Pokey” Donlan and Will “Brother” Scott were chosen for enshrinement in the River Cup Hall of Fame at this year’s Annual Banquet and Business Meeting. In the announcement of the awards, Hall of Fame Chairman Langdon Moss praised Donlan for his lifetime 8-2 record (9-2-1 after this year’s matches) in River Cup play, but focused critically on Donlan’s reputation for slow play. Donlan defended himself, claiming that it was Jim Nelson and Tom McCandlish who held up last year’s match which branded Donlan as the slow-play king.

      Will Scott’s induction to the Hall of Fame caps an incredible comeback for Scott, who was left for dead after last year’s complete collapse in the River Cup. Scott wept visibly as he was engulfed in Bill Correll’s original Hall of Fame blazer during the induction ceremony.

Will Scott Rises from Ashes to Triumph in '96 River cup

       Like the mythical Phoenix, Will “Brother” Scott rose from the ashes of his 1995 flame- out to help lead his CCV side to victory in this year’s edition of The River Cup. Scott, teamed with Captain Jim Nelson, fired an 82 at CCV’s tough Tuckahoe Creek Course on Friday as Nelson and Scott easily trounced the hapless WOCC duo of Chuck “0-for-life” Ditsler and Chip Bliley. On Sunday at a difficult Foundry Course, Scott brushed aside a clearly outclassed Kent Puryear 6- 0 to cap off a glorious tournament. Puryear was so distraught by the thrashing that he “misplaced” the official scorecard to conceal his score.

       After Sunday’s match, an elated Scott said, “I’m back! I never stopped believing in myself and my confidence paid off! What a great weekend: two outstanding rounds of golf, two matches won handily, induction into the River Cup Hall of Fame, and certainly an MVP!”

       When asked how his putting held up this year after receiving so much ridicule over his ineptness last year, Scott replied, “Jeez, I miss one 36-inch putt last year and I’m branded for life.” [Editor’s note: Last year’s missed putt was officially measured at 13½ inches.] When questioned on his tongue-in-cheek performance in the humorous “Inside the River Cup” putting instructional, Scott was aghast. “Tongue-in-cheek? I used that ‘watch-on-the-forearm’ technique throughout the matches. It really works - plus, I’ve got my putting stroke time down to 2 seconds!”

       Scott was last seen romping across the 18th fairway at The Foundry, arms upraised, singing “We Are The Champions,” a song popularized by the musical group Queen.

Chuck Byrd Wins Nod as Willow Oaks MVP Despite "Byrd's Folly" Flap

       Amidst considerable acrimony, this year’s Willow Oaks’ Most Valuable Player award was bestowed on a defensive Charles W. “Chuck” Byrd. Byrd, carried by fourball partner Joby Klotz, easily won his fourball match against CCV’s John Leitch-Mark Sweeney tandem. In singles, Byrd was fortunate enough to be paired again against Leitch, a once formidable opponent who has recently served as cannon fodder for the Willow Oaks' team. “Hell, I should have been named MVP for Willow Oaks,” sputtered an obviously upset Leitch. “I won more points for their side than any of their players.”

       Byrd was an unpopular choice among Willow Oaks players, angry at his tinkering with this year’s handicap formula. His so-called “Byrd Formula” - dubbed “Byrd’s Folly” by most - forced many Willow Oaks players to give up strokes in matches to difficult opponents.

       “Let the record show that Willow Oaks would have won this match if we had played the handicaps that we sandbagged for throughout the year,” claimed an obviously angered Langdon Moss, Captain of the Willow Oaks contingent. “I myself would have swept Bill Cramme had I been given my full strokes.” When shown that the best he could have done was halve his match with Cramme, Moss echoed this year’s apparent Willow Oaks’ party line by responding, “Who sent you? The logic police? We still got the shaft. The only MVP award Byrd deserves is ‘Most Vilified Player.’ ”

       Byrd’s response to the controversy was defensive. “I was asked to play my best and win my matches. I played my best and won my matches. What’s the big deal? I was giving up strokes on both days just like everybody else and managed to win. Just because I had the good fortune of pulling John Leitch two days in a row doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the honor. To hell with ‘em all. The ‘Byrd Formula’ will be remembered long after these sorry excuses for golfers are forgotten!”

CCV's Ted Chandler Steals MVP From Sentimental Favorite Will Scott

       Ted “Pajama” Chandler took MVP honors for the victorious CCV side in another controversial and unpopular selection. Will “Brother” Scott, who staked his claim to this year’s award with an unblemished 15-0 record, was beside himself when he found that he had been bypassed for the award.

       “What else am I supposed to do?” Scott blubbered as the award was announced. “I can’t win more than 15 points. I can’t do any better than undefeated.That’s not enough?! I’m crushed.” Scott was led away in tears being consoled by John Leitch, who was heard to say, “Brother, you’re just unlucky, just like me.”

       According to the MVP Selection Committee’s press release announcing the award there was considerable sentiment for Scott, who is widely regarded as a much more popular player than Chandler among his teammates. But Chandler’s play over the course of the weekend could not be overlooked. Nor could his not too veiled threats of litigation if the award had been given to any other CCV player. Chandler, an amateur player who spends his infrequent hours off the golf course as a partner in a small Richmond law firm, had lined up an impressive array of legal talent to back up his claim to this year’s MVP trophy.

       Chandler managed to win his fourball match against Willow Oaks’ Scott Warren and Tom McCandlish in the near total absence of partner Blake Dennis, a nervous River Cup rookie. In singles, Chandler bested fellow Foundry Club member Dennis Ryan, capping the weekend with four birdies on the back nine. In the course of the two days, Chandler posted rounds of 77 at Tuckahoe Creek and 73 at The Foundry. His 36-hole total of 150 is second only to Jeff Hudgins’ two-day record 149, established this year with rounds of 73 at Tuckahoe Creek and 76 at The Foundry. (Click here for related article.)

       “Nobody deserves this award more than I do,” declared a modest Chandler. “Scott doesn’t belong on the same course with me, much less making some bogus claim to MVP after the way I played this weekend!”