1996 Willow Oaks Player Profiles

Paul Strauss (5.3)

Strauss' rookie River Cup outing last year was characterized primarily by riding the broad shoulders of partner Mike Augst's record-breaking 33 on the back-nine at Willow Oaks. "I read every one of the those putts for Mike," claims Strauss. "If it hadn't been for me, that would have been just another routine 34 or 35 for Mike."

Chuck Ditsler (6.2)

Chuck has a textbook golf swing. Unfortunately, it is pictured with the caption "BEFORE" in the textbook. Chuck has a low, flat swing which concludes with a ceremonial waggling of the club above his left shoulder for emphasis. "Most of my distance is achieved through the gust of wind which I whip up with my patented post-swing waggle," says Chuck.

Dennis Ryan (7.2)

Dennis recently returned from a try-out to be Tiger Woods new caddy. "I could have made a lot more money caddying for him than I could ever hope to make as a lawyer," says Ryan. "But with my failing eyesight, when they say Tiger hits it out of sight, that is for me, unfortunately, a literal statement."

Paul Sinclair (7.5)

Paul has switched irons this year and is now playing with Rhinos, a fact that does not please the Rhino Golf Company at all. "We feel that we would, er, that is, that Mr. Sinclair would be much better served if he switched to Pings or 855's," whined Rhino President Herbert Hippoe. "Our sales are way down in Virginia since word got out that he is playing our clubs."

Marty Donlan (9.2)

"Pokey", as he is known to his dwindling number of golf partners, returns to the squad after posting the longest round in River Cup History. His final round in last year's River Cup lasted two and a half days. "I promise to pick up the pace this year," Marty claimed haltingly. "If I have to, I'll even quit plumb-bobbing my tee shots if that will keep the damn jack rabbits in my foursome happy."

Kent Puryear (9.5)

Kent eats, drinks and sleeps golf. This probably explains how he lost almost thirty pounds, as any nutritionist will tell you that there are no nutrients in golf. "I can still hit it a long way," boasts Kent. "But I sure miss those thirty pounds, even if they were mostly ribs and beer."

Scott Warren (9.7)

Scott, current President of WOCC and mastermind of the Willow Oaks back-nine renovation project, has taken a lot of heat for some of the work currently in progress on the course. "We never really intended for the entire lower nine to be played as a water hazard," Scott explained muddily. "Someone just forgot to turn off the irrigation system, that's all."

Tom McCandlish (9.7)

Tom's failed attempt to make the Asian Tour two years ago did nothing to deter his confidence. "My game may be bad," Tom confessed, "But I can still take Nelson, Morck or Culley." When told of McCandlish's bravado, Jim Nelson of CCV rebutted, "Yeah, he can take me alright - he can take me out to dinner. He owes me plenty from this past summer. I've been beating him like a rented mule!"

Langdon Moss (9.7)

What can be said about Langdon that hasn't already been said? A classic golf swing that flows like honey; revered leader of the winningest team in River Cup history; a natural in just about every sport he tries. There, those are some things that haven't already been said about him - and no doubt never will be.

Doug Urquhart (9.9)

Doug stepped in at the last minute last year to fill the light shoes of Eddie Eddins, who feigned injury to avoid a rematch against CCV's tough Rob Leitch. Urquhart walked all over a stunned Leitch. "I can't believe Eddins was afraid of this guy. He melted like a popsicle in July out there today," said a somewhat impolitic Urquhart. "Doug's position with my accounting firm is under reconsideration," said a somewhat irked Eddins.

Eddie Eddins (10.2)

Eddie, known to his small circle of friends as "Captain Yip", is the only Willow Oaks player to have sympathy for Will Scott's putting woes last year. "Been there, done that," lagged Eddie. "Fortunately, I didn't do it during the River Cup. Otherwise, Sinclair would write about it for all of eternity."

Brad Smallwood (12.9)

Since moving closer to Willow Oaks in order to spend more time on the range, Brad's game has been plagued by illness - every other member of the club is sick of seeing him. "I'm just trying to improve my swing", Brad stated mechanically.

Chip Bliley (13.0)

Chip boycotted last year's competition in favor of a Notre Dame football game after a stellar outing in 1994 that saw him capture the MVP award in his rookie outing. When he saw the results of Willow Oaks sound thrashing of CCV in last year's event, he immediately began lobbying for a spot on this year's team. "I gotta get back on this team while CCV is still weak," he was overheard to say in the Willow Oaks men's grill recently. "I think I can reel in another MVP award against this bunch of cream puffs." Just to be on the safe side, Bliley has begun angling for a match against CCV's Cliff Culley.

Chuck Byrd (14.8)

Chuck was undeterred by Hurricane Fran's rising flood waters which completely submerged Willow Oaks par-5 fifth hole. "I generally hit it in the water at some point on that hole anyway," Chuck says fluidly. "I'd just as soon go ahead and get it over with."

Joby Klotz (17.5)

Joby is the only two time MVP in River Cup history after he walked away with the honor last year. He remains a fixture on the team. Sort of like a plumbing fixture - his game has been in the toilet since mid-March. Much to everyone's surprise, Klotz remains optimistic. "I haven't lost a golf ball in a month," Joby recently crowed. Coincidentally, inquiries have confirmed that he hasn't played golf in a month.

Stanley Ford (23.5)

Stanley quietly survived his rookie season in last year's River Cup. "My goal was to keep my name out of print," Stanley whispered. "As long as no one knows who I am, I'll probably keep a spot on the team." When asked about Stanley's performance for the WOCC side last year, Captain Moss remarked, "Willow Oaks side? I thought he was on the CCV side."